September 13th- 5 1/2 months

I am just tired. I have actually written a post in the last two weeks but I didn't publish it because it was kind of a "stressed out" post. I have found that sometimes it is just therapeutic for me just to get it all down. However, my sweet McKeaver girls told me that they check my blog most days for an update so I thought I would share a little bit about what is going on.
-A little over a week ago Sam had a check up with Neurosurgery. It was not necessarily a bad check up, but it was one that had me thinking. Because Sam needed the second shunt and because of the cyst that came up when the pressure in the fourth ventricle was relieved, they now consider Sam to have Complex Hydrocephalus. It really just puts her in a different category of hydrocephalus. We talked about watching her head measurements daily and the possibility of the cyst growing larger in the future that could lead to surgery.  I asked if it was possible that another pocket of fluid (cyst) could appear at that time and the answer was yes. She said that there was actually a patient that this happened to and he had over 20 surgeries until the fluid stopped causing problems. I guess I am having a hard time relaxing about the whole situation because the last time I did, I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me when we went back into surgery. We also talked about the stiffness in Samantha's muscles and the possibility of a diagnosis down the road of cerebral palsy. She did explain that there is a wide range of CP. Some kids you might not even recognize as having it once they finally reach milestones. I guess it was just more stuff to think about.
-Last week we finally had her physical therapy set up again and had another evaluation done. The good news was that she scored in the normal range. The main impairments that she saw this far were her body's range of motion, flexibility and head control. The blessing is that we are starting Sam early and this will help us work with her to overcome obstacles faster than if she was not receiving these services.
-Last week we also found out that my maternal grandmother passed away. Even though it was a blessing that she is not suffering anymore, she was an important part of my life and she will be missed. It also means that I need to travel for her memorial service. Because it is out of state, we have decided that Gwendolyn and I will travel to the memorial service, while Sam will stay here with Travis. We just feel that she needs to stay close to the hospital just in case. I am VERY anxious about leaving her for the first time ever! I know she is in good hands with Travis- but it still is weighing heavily on me right now.
I guess overall I feel very burdened with worry lately. Every time she shows any kind of odd behavior at all I start to check her from head to toe- Measuring her head, checking her fontanel, checking her temperature. The thing about it is that it could be so many different things not even related to the fluid. It is not a worry that we can't make it through, it is a worry that I might miss something somewhere. I don't want her to be in pain or to have CSF pressure on her brain that might cause any kind of damage. I have really tried hard to just give my worry to God but I guess I haven't been very good about it lately. I think that it is because we have had such major stress factors in our life for a long time now. It tends to wear on you after a while. Through this dark cloud of worry and stress there is a bright spot. It is God and the people he has sent us in support. I have been listening to the words of Matthew West's song Strong Enough for months now. Some days I have to sing it to myself several times so that I remember that His hands of mercy constantly cover me. Samantha has another check up next week so I will try to post more after that appointment. Thankful for the blessing of you all. Steph