Monday, February 18, 2013

Almost 23 months!

Can you believe Sam is almost 2 years old? Life just tends to move way too quickly. Well I just thought I would send some updates.

First with Sam... She makes all three of us smile everyday! Right now her favorite word is "NO!" and "Doggy!" She is not standing on her own completely but she is working on it when she is in the right mood. She knows how to work all of us with her pitiful looks. She is now in a specialized walker and is starting to be walk in it independently. She loves to drop things on purpose and say "Uh-Oh!" Her favorite show is Dora and it drives me crazy so of course we watch it all the time! After all who can resist it when she says, "Dora!" in her sweet voice. She loves Melissa and cries most days when she leaves her. It makes me feel so good that she loves her and her family so much! She calls every animal that walks on 4 legs a doggy including cats but Talking Tom is a kitty kitty. We loves books and will often crawl with a book over to me just to get me to snuggle her up and read. She is using a spoon or fork when she eats. She doesn't like to be fed. She is a very determined child who knows what she wants. The main problem is that she can't completely voice what she wants, which sometimes ends in frustration and screaming. And boy can she scream. She can melt your heart with the sweetest hugs and when she hugs you she will even pat your back.
Now for me...  I am going to be honest here. I debated for a long time if I was going to write my feelings but decided that I would go ahead and share them.  The last few weeks have been VERY emotional for me. As Sam gets older I start to see a greater divide in abilities and it has been one of those things I have really had to process. It is hard to see kids that are a year younger than Sam walking and doing things that she struggles on a daily basis to do and can't. At times just sitting down can be a challenge for her. I am a planner. I like to know what is ahead and plan for it to happen. With Sam everyday is a watch and see.  I am always scared I am going to miss something. When she is extremely fussy, I have a hard time leaving her or sleeping at night for fear that pressure might be building up or that she might be getting sick. When I think she might be getting sick I worry about seizures. I know that God wants me to trust in Him and during the last little bit I have been so wrapped up in so many things it has been hard to let go of my anxiety. At her last CDSA evaluation a few weeks ago they talked about this time next year looking into the 3 year old special needs preschool at a school in our county. I think is was one of the things that really hit home.  Sometimes I think that she could end up living a very "normal" life with her own family someday and other times it hits me that we might have to be caretakers for her when she is an adult. I think I am okay with whatever comes our way, it is just the unknown that bothers me so. These are just a few of the hundreds of thoughts that go through my mind daily. When I get overwhelmed with them I just have to sit back, take a deep breath and thank God for where we are at today.  I am not writing this to explain how tough my life is because that is not the case. I am writing this just in case another parent comes across this Blog and can find comfort in the same feelings. When it all comes down to it- I am blessed. I wouldn't change a thing about my family. I am glad that my God knows what is best for me and that He is in control of my life. At church on Sunday, our pastor was preaching on Jonah. Jonah kept running from God and His plan. I don't want to run from His plan. I want to embrace it. I guess that part of embracing it for me is just processing that the future that I always thought I would have may not be the future that God has planned.  I am thankful that He knows best. I will leave you with this video of Sam and one of her favorite shows Little Einsteins. She loves to pat and then raise her arms up to help rocket blast off. Thanks for reading my thoughts. Stephanie